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All the things I should Say...
Peed the bed? WTFOMG?
Wednesday. 1.14.09 1:47 am
omg, this hasn't happened in /years/
I dreamt I was peeing last night in my dream...and peed the bed. Omg, I'm like wtf, I'm a fucking adult, how the hell did I pee the bed. Probably not a good sign. eh, probably just my nerves or something. but that actually scares me a little. Thats not like a sign of being sick or anything is it? lol, no just me trying to wish something away.

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If we wouldn't spend it...
Wednesday. 8.13.08 10:44 pm
I tried to talk to her last night. But everything I say means nothing to her. She will be difficult all day and at the end of the day I've had it. I'll snap at something stupid, like covers or something. And of course its not that she's been difficult all day, its because I want more covers, or her covers or something.

And if I say, hold on lets talk this out, Its ok you can have more covers from her. then she gets pissed cause I say she will never understand.

Any way who the frick would I borrow money from? and why does she put the fake hello how are you in front of it. like this
hey how are you can you borrow money from someone? Maybe if we didnt' spend it all eating we would have mroe.

Rhea

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Stupidity Doesn't Pay. (after a while)
Sunday. 8.10.08 2:57 am
I learned something from Month. She taught me, "No matter what, play stupid." And I did, for a very long time. But this past month at my new job, I learned from the people around me that if I play stupid to much, they are going to fire me. I don't of course mean that I did anything and said "Oops didn't know." Mostly what I've been doing is playing around like I didn't know the answer. Like this recent conversation. Well actually there isn't anyway to transcribe it. But mostly my end was this
Me[thought] answer is 47
Me[said]: I'm not sure, I think its...ummmm. [pause] forty...umm. seven?
I knew the answer right off, but I didn't want anyone to know I knew it. But I feel like this past couple weeks, I've been trying to grow, and letting This out is Helping. I feel like I'm finally (a couple years late I might add :]) Growing up.

From now on I won't play stupid, Or at leasts I will try not to. It may take some work, Change isn't easy. But its worth a shot.
Rhea

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Starless Skies
Saturday. 8.9.08 11:53 pm
Here is the first conversation I had today with Month.
I had just woke up. I was groggy, and being that I'm sick I was still really tired and sniffly and all around yucky. I walked into the living room still rubbing sleep from my eyes.
M: Wanna go get us a coke?
Me: Umm [pause]
M: If you don't want to just say no, and you don't have to.
Me: No, I really don't feel like it.
M: Fine, you know what, just take the computer I'm going to sleep. [gets up and storms out of room, mutters of no I'm fine and Everything is juuuust fine]
Me: If you want me to go that bad, don't give me a choice, just say, Go get me a coke. Don't get all bitchy about it. When I take the choice you don't want.
M: I'm not, I'm just tired.

30 minutes pass.

I'm sitting in computer chair, got into the thing I was doing. Got Little settled down. Go make Little a bottle. Month Shoots out of bed.
M: ready to go get a coke now?
Me: Dammit, if you wanted me to go get a coke, why not just say then go get a coke. Stop trying to act considerate just so you can ask me again a little while later. I don't want to get get a coke any more now than I did then.
M: I'm sorry, Why are you so damned bitchy all the time.
Me[thought]: Because I don't love you any more and theres nothing I can do about it.
Me[said]: I'm not the one that started it.

But see written down I just look like a petulant lazy child. But I have this same argument everyday. She offers me choices. and if i say no, she waits a couple minutes and says one of two things
M: Are you ready to go now?
or
M: I forget what you said, do you want to go get coke/cigarettes/etc.

---------
Ok, so Band had a ticket he had to pay off. Cost $85, he didn't have time to run it to the office so put it in the money box.
M: Go get me a coke.
Me: with what money? the stuff I pull out my ass isn't accepted anywhere any more. (lol was joking with her)
M: With the check (at this time i didn't know about money order)
Me: what check? Did GP send you something?
M: No Bands ticket check.
Me: I dont think thats such--
Band walks in. Month hushes me.
B: I'm gonna go to bed now, been up for a while and got work 2morrow
M: OK, love ya!
band walks off.
M: We will save some of it. I promise we will only spend like $5 dollars, Cokes and ciggies
Me: Are you SURE this isn't gonna back fire on you?
M: Of course not. We will save some. I promise [empty words i should have learned to avoid long ago]
I walk to store, by chips and cokes and ciggies, Knowing all the while that what I'm doing is wrong. I know that we should not have spent it. But I'm such a spineless failure. I can't say no to her. I'm to worried about what she will do.

Ok we still have $70 left we will give $65, then suddenly we needed more cokes so it was $60, then $50 and then we were hungry, so we got McDonalds.

And now its all gone. But we get paid tomorrow, month says, so everything is fine.

But I know its not. We have done this over and over weekly and bi-weekly for the past umpteen years.

Shes the cement around my feet keeping me stuck, drowing in the river Life.

Ryan said he would pull the stars from my sky. To late, I was already Empty before he came.

I hope I can get away. But I feel doomed.

Rhea

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I lost my chance...
Saturday. 8.9.08 6:28 am
There was a time. A short time, that I would have been able to cut my self from this mess. When I could have packed my things and headed in the other direction as quickly as possible.
But that time is long since gone, and I think sometimes thats Why I dislike Sister. Because She caught it. She understood that She needed to RUN.
She didn't run in the sense that she actually left state, or city. She left the Mother Realm, so to speak.
But I've been knotted in inextricably. I know that I could cut ties and run. But I love Little much to much to leave, and as much as I hate to admit it. If I leave Little will become me. And I would never see Little again.

Yes you may notice no names on here. That may seem, again a bit paranoid, but I don't want anyone to read this. Not yet. well you don't count of course. I mean Mother and well thats it.

Anyway that should be it for now.
Farewell
Rhea
PS: I don't expect to many comments on this. With so little information for you all to go by.

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The Real Thing....
Saturday. 8.9.08 12:18 am
Ok, so my other nutang is like my outward self. The self that I want everyone to know, that I want everyone to read, So that I do not offend Mothers or Brothers or Sisters.
This one no one shall know of, I hope.
I will keep it specifically at work, Won't access it at home. won't even look at it at home.

Sound paranoid? Well I am a weird person.

I long very much to keep the fragile peace in my house. As much as I now realize how much I really resent my mother. I didn't listen to what everyone was telling me because I wanted so much for it to be untrue. But its not.
And thus this nutang/journal/blog/rant, To make me feel better.

I hope that I don't sound to whiny. I find it hard to put our arguments into words because it seems that even writing I still try and make it look like my fault, and you know honestly, some of it probably is. I in no way say that I am completely blameless in all the 'altercations' but you know, I'm not the only one there either.
So I hope you will be able to deal with me in everything I post. Because I am becoming a very bitter and mean person. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be my mother. I don't want to be my Grandmother. If I don't get this out somewhere I will never get it out.
And I'm not ready to die yet.

Sincerly
Rhea. (not real name, my new persona so to speak.)

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